My eyes have decided to stop working in low-light so I bought this necklace thing that has little flashlights at the end so I could use it for reading and doing art and last night I thought that it would probably also make a really good hands-free dog-walking light because I always walk in the dark and I’m convinced I’m going to step on a snake or get run over:
And it worked really well for about 5 minutes until I noticed that my nipples were on fire (not literally) because the flashlights were getting overheated and so I tried to readjust it but I guess the combination of the motion and the lights attracted bugs because all of a sudden I had a fucking swarm of tiny bugs all over my boobs and so I started swatting at them but they were drunk on the high-powered nipple lights and refused to move so I ended up slapping my own boobs like crazy while standing in the middle of the street and I guess the commotion made the flashlight connection come loose because the right flashlight started blinking like a strobe light and this is when I realized that a very confused man with a large dog was standing right in front of me and was watching me repeatedly assault my own breasts, the left of which was under a high-intensity spotlight like it was singing a solo, while the right seemed to be enjoying some sort of a disco.
I apologized for my breasts and I don’t know if he accepted it or not because I was still blinded from staring into the boob lights and now I can’t leave the house again.
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In unrelated news…Hailey started pharmacy school and I had feelings and got therapeutically artsy about it.
