Every few months I go into my notes app on my phone to look at all of the reminders that I’ve written to myself that I have forgotten to do and inevitably there will be several notes that are deeply concerning because what was I even talking about? My latest one read simply:
“I’M NOT PAYING $700 FOR PICTURES OF INTERNAL CAT FARTS.“
Quite often I never figure out what these baffling messages mean and chalk them up to things I thought were hilarious in a dream (that were not hilarious at all the next morning) but then it clicked that a month ago I saw a string coming from Ferris Mewler’s butthole and I had to take him to the vet because clearly he’d eaten a ribbon and the vet was like, “He seems fine and probably passed it all, but we could do an X-ray?” and I asked if she’d do an X-ray if it was her cat and she was like, “Well, probably not because if there’s any more string it won’t actually show up in the x-ray but it could show if he has any blockages or unusually large gas pockets but we’d have to sedate him and it would be about $700″ and I was like, “I’M NOT PAYING $700 FOR PICTURES OF INTERNAL CAT FARTS” and the vet agreed that it was probably fine to just keep an eye on him. And I wrote that note to myself because these are sentences you don’t think you’ll say out loud until you become a cat mom, but I didn’t write about it at the time because I was afraid I’d jinx myself and then the next day Ferris Mewler would take a bad turn and then everyone on the internet would be like, “YOU SHOULD HAVE PAID FOR THE FARTS, YOU IDIOT” and then I forgot about the whole thing until today when I came across the note and remembered that Ferris was just fine and I could give myself a little high-five because I’d actually managed to make a good decision after all. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense because I’m on a lot of codeine cough syrup for a nasty cold but there’s something a little comforting about recognizing that maybe I’m making more good decisions than I give myself credit for, even if some of them are about cat farts.
Ferris Mewler (Totally alive and lightly mortified and probably dreaming about eating more ribbon):
